


I LOVE YOU

by DanielleKang



Category: TOMORROW X TOGETHER | TXT (Korea Band)
Genre: M/M, Religion, Secret Relationship, Self-Harm, Suicide
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-05-18
Updated: 2020-05-18
Packaged: 2021-03-02 23:40:41
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 5,001
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24255271
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/DanielleKang/pseuds/DanielleKang
Summary: what would you do if you find love at the wrong time at the wrong place in the wrong life?
Relationships: Choi Beomgyu/Kang Taehyun, Choi Soobin/Choi Yeonjun
Comments: 9
Kudos: 47





	I LOVE YOU

**Author's Note:**

> Hi, this story could trigger some of you so please be careful or don't read this at all. i tried writing this for some sad feels and to let all the crap flow out of my head.

Yeonjun and Soobin were boyfriends — at least that's what Yeonjun would call what they have. They had recently confessed their feelings to each other. It was a risky move considering the park where they confessed did not allow any visitors at night — as some normal parks would — but it was the thrill of the moment that pushed the two into sneaking in anyway.

As they laid on the grass, with fingers entwined, and the stars as their witnesses, Yeonjun declared his love for Soobin. Luckily enough, Soobin felt the same. “Will you be my boyfriend then?” A question Soobin had been wanting to ask Yeonjun for ages but it felt too impulsive for Yeonjun. It was kinda reckless to ask someone to be their boyfriend immediately after confessing

“I’m scared Soobin,” Yeonjun and Soobin’s family were strongly religious — their families would never accept them for being lovers. Especially for Yeonjun since his father was also a pastor. “But what I know is that I love you, the moment I laid my eyes on you I felt a tingling sensation in my heart. At first I didn’t know what it was but growing up with you and seeing you affect my life in ways I could never imagine. I then realized that it was love.”

He looked Soobin in the eyes, and trembled, partly because he was scared but mostly because he was happy and excited. “Yes, let’s be boyfriends.”

“I love you very much Yeonjun!” Soobin declared as tears streamed down his face. 

“And I love you too Soobin! But, uhm, what about our parents?” Yeonjun worriedly glanced into Soobin’s eyes. “This’ll kill them for sure.”

“We’ll cross the bridge when we get there. For now, all I know is that I love you, and that I would really love to kiss you right now.” Soobin didn’t give Yeonjun the time to react as he reached for his recently-acquired lover, and kissed him. 

With that kiss, Yeonjun seemed to have forgotten all the worries, all the fears of what their relationship would face. He also knew that as long as Soobin was with him, they could get through anything.

The night before Yeonjun and Soobin would tell their parents of their relationship came — and by _telling them_ , they meant leaving notes behind. They decided to run away together, and by decided, they meant Yeonjun persuaded Soobin since he was such a scaredy cat. Yeonjun knew Soobin wanted it too, but there were just times that Soobin would chicken out of everything, but if it’s for Yeonjun, come hell or high water, Soobin would do it — they would face the wrath of their parents some other time in the future, together.

After Yeonjun finished packing everything up, he grabbed his phone, and sent in a message.

  
  


**To Binnie**

_Hey Binnie, how are you? I know we_

_just saw each other like 5 minutes ago_

_but I already miss you so much._

_Anyway I’m done packing and I’ve_

_already finished writing my “letter of_

_resignation” ahaha._

_Oh and I also packed some of your_

_favorite bread so don’t you dare get_

_cold feet hahaha I love you so much_

_my Binnie!!_

  
  


**From Binnie**

_Wow! Am I the luckiest guy ever or what?_

_I’m still on the bus on my way home but I_

_promise I will pack my things ASAP. I love_

_you very much my Junnie!!_

  
  
  


Yeonjun smiled. Ever since Soobin said “I love you” and started saying it more, Yeonjun became happier. When Soobin would say it first thing in the morning, before and after eating, during their dates, before sleeping, on random video calls just to say it, flooding him with texts, or just simply out of the blue, Yeonjun fell more in love with him. Every time Soobin declared his love, Yeonjun would just melt, and let himself sink even deeper. And every time, Yeonjun would fall in love just a little bit deeper. The thought had Yeonjun giddy with happiness and excitement. He laid on his bed with a huge smile and hugged the pillow so tight that if it was alive, it would probably choke from the hold. His ecstatic demeanor gradually turned lethargic, and he slowly gave in to the weight on his eyes, sleeping in bliss.

It was finally D-day. Yeonjun thought that his last day with his family shouldn’t be gloomy, so he decided to make this day a memorable or at least a happy one, and what good way to start the day by cooking breakfast for his family.

“Wow! Jun honey what’s gotten into you?” His mother said as she entered the kitchen. She was always the first to wake up since she cooked breakfast.

“Well I just thought I’d cook for the best family God has given me.” Yeonjun smiled as he put the bacon on a plate along with the scrambled eggs, before rushing to kiss his mom on the cheek. “Goodmorning Mom! I love you!”

“Ok, what did you do with my son? You’re not Yeonjun!” His mother joked as she hugged him. “I know you son, you always do stuff like this whenever you’ve done something bad, or when you want something from us,” she then crossed her arms with one eyebrow raised, still containing her joking smile. “Spill it honey.”

“Mom I haven’t done anything I promise!” He raised his hands. ‘ _Well, I haven’t done anything_ yet _.’_

“I just want to express how much I love you that’s all, and how thankful I am for you loving me… Oh good morning Dad! Goodmorning Kai!” Yeonjun beamed, quickly grabbing the coffee pot, and pouring his dad some coffee. “Here you go! Black just the way you like it!” His dad smiled. Kai, his brother, widened his eyes incredulously. 

“Dad, I think something possessed Yeonjun hyung, cast it out immediately!” He joked to which his dad gave him a killer glare.

“Kai Kamal! We do not joke about those things!” He was stern, and you can feel faint anger from his tone. But this was just how their father always reacted, especially in the morning.

“What are you middle-naming me for? I was just kidding.” He pouted.

“Come on Dad give him a break, my sweet brother didn’t mean anything bad by it.” Yeonjun wiggled his brows to his dad and Kai. “Come on drink your coffee first, you’re not you till you get your coffee.” At the back of his mind, the plan to spend the best day with his family was a success.

Later that night, Kai was out of the house, and their parents were huddled in their room praying. It was finally Yeonjun’s chance to leave. He let out a deep breath as he tucked his cap and left his note on his bed. He took one last glance at his room, and burned it vividly in his mind. Yeonjun will for sure miss this house. Yeonjun only packed a big backpack and a duffel bag, but he packed plenty enough for him to live on his own. Carefully, Yeonjun made it out of the house, and left for the train station where he and Soobin had planned to meet.

Soobin’s last text told him that he was about to leave the house, so Yeonjun updated him, sending a message, ‘I love you, I’m already here waiting for you on a bench.’

Yeonjun tucked his phone in his pocket, and playfully swung his feet as he sat and waited for Soobin. He should be arriving in a few minutes, since he knew how long it took to get to the station from Soobin’s place. 

As the train arrived, Yeonjun was humming patiently when a familiar figure descended from the train. Yeonjun squinted his eyes to see the person clearly, and it soon got wide when he realized who it was. “Hey Beomgyu!” Yeonjun smiled.

“Oh, hi Hyung!” Beomgyu smiled back as he went towards Yeonjun and gave him a hug. “What brings you here?”

Beomgyu was a fellow church mate of theirs. He was a few years younger than Yeonjun, but they grew up _together_ going to church. So you could say they were childhood friends, but then Soobin was also a childhood friend but he’s Yeonjun’s lover so… hehe. You get the idea. Moving on.

“Oh, me? I’m just waiting for someone, we’re about to go on a trip!” He lied. Well not really lied, Yeonjun just didn’t give the whole truth to Beomgyu. Since Beomgyu was a fellow church mate, he can’t just say “ _Oh I’m waiting for my boyfriend because we’re about to run away from our families you know, just the norm_.” In his mind, Yeonjun rolled his eyes at himself. “What about you?” 

“Wow really? That’s nice to hear! I pray that you have a nice trip with your friend.” Beomgyu politely answered back. “Oh and I’m here because I’m meeting my…friend.” He plastered an uneasy smile.

Yeonjun can feel Beomgyu lying, still, he just took the lie, and nodded. “Well take care then, I wouldn’t wanna delay you any much longer.” He smiled, bowing to each other, before Beomgyu hurriedly left.

It’s been an hour now, and Yeonjun was pissed because Soobin was still nowhere to be found. He had turned his phone off because his parents were bombarding him with calls, and because he thought they might be able to find him through _Locate My Phone_ .Yeonjun clenched his fists. _‘Did Soobin get cold feet last minute?_ Not knowing the answer, Yeonjun closed his eyes, and tried to compose himself. ‘ _He could just be pranking me or something, because Soobin would_ never _do this to me.’_

A few more hours passed, and still no Soobin. He looked at the screen above him to check the time, it was now four in the morning. By this time, Yeonjun imagined that he’d be sleeping in Soobin’s warm embrace to get ready as they face the world together, but instead he’s here in this empty train station, feeling cold even with his coat on. Loneliness and hopelessness reverberated through the station. He could feel his tears forming in his eyes, and a sob was about to escape from his mouth. He was stopped when he suddenly heard someone walk up to him.

“Hyung?” It was Kai. Not Soobin, but Kai. Yeonjun wanted to cry but he held back his tears, he noticed his brother was upset too.

“How did you know I was here?” Yeonjun asked. 

“I saw your letter.” Yeonjun’s eyes widened but before he got to speak Kai interrupted him. “Don’t worry I haven’t told Mom and Dad.” He paused, taking a deep breath “Because something came up.” Yeonjun could see Kai was holding his words back. 

  
  


“Just come back home with me. He’s not coming.”

  
  


The last three words echoed within Yeonjun’s whole body. He shuddered as different scenarios and emotions flooded his mind. It overwhelmed him — his mouth agape, eyes wide, fingers trembling, and knees quivering. He was losing his balance until Kai caught him.

“Hyung I’m sorry, I’m so sorry.” Kai hugged his brother so tight as he cried. “But he- he’s never coming.”

Yeonjun finally spoke, his voice shaky. “Wh-what do you mean he’s never coming? Kai please tell me what you’re talking about!” He cupped his brother’s cheek but Kai just cried.

Kai wiped his tears with his sleeves, answering in between sobs, “Soobin hyung, S-Soobin hyung is gone!” And those words felt like the world collapsed on Yeonjun. What did he mean gone? Did he leave without Yeonjun? Did he chicken out? What? Why? Where would he go?

“What do you mean gone?” Yeonjun had a lot more questions at the back of his mind, but this was the only one he could utter into words as of the moment.

  
  


“He’s dead hyung.”

  
  
  


“Dead?”

  
  
  


“He hanged himself in his room.”

  
  
  


And just like that, the dam holding back Yeonjun’s feelings caved in. The feeling was paralyzing, suffocating even. All his emotions came flooding in as tears descended down his face one by one until he eventually bawled his eyes out, crying oceans. He cried so hard his breathing became erratic. He could feel his soul leaving his body, as his vision turned black.

When Yeonjun regained consciousness, he was on a bus. He shifted his head to check his surroundings. He was seated by the window with Kai sitting next to him, asleep. He must’ve carried him. He looked in front and saw that the sign of the bus’ destination was home. Well, a bus stop near home.

‘ _Why am I on my way home? Wasn’t I supposed to be with… ‘_

Everything came back to him like lightning. It still shocked him to his very core, but he quickly recomposed himself. He needed answers. He wanted to ask Kai, but he was still asleep, and he’s probably as tired and hurt as he was considering Soobin was a very close hyung to his brother. 

Then Yeonjun remembered his phone, the phone he had turned off, the phone that maybe just maybe, prevented everything. Yeonjun couldn’t help but ask himself _‘What if?’_

As soon as it booted, all the messages surged in. Few were from his parents, looking for him. And messages from Soobin.

  
  


**From Binnie**

_Hey babe sorry I’m running a little late_

_I did say I was about to leave but Mom_

_suddenly went out of the room to make_

_tea. I can’t find the right timing r n. But i_

_promise I’ll leave soon. I love you!!!_

  
  


_Hey Junnie! I finally made it out of the_

_house hahaha. So ready that bread for_

_me. I’ll be there in a few. I love you!!_

  
  


_Baby, sorry i had to take a little detour_

_and by detour I mean i need to go back_

_haha, well because i seem to have_

_brought my letter with me haha I can_

_already imagine your angry pouty face._

_I love you my Yeonjun!!_

  
  


The tears just streamed down his face as he read every message. Soobin never missed saying “I love you.” Yeonjun felt a warm embrace for every “I love you” he read, but it only made him cry even more. His Soobin was gone. 

As Yeonjun wiped his tears, he noticed that he also had one voice mail. It was from Soobin. He took a deep breath, and opened it.

_“Hey Junnie!”_ Soobin’s voice was raspy, maybe from crying, but he sounded very upset. “ _So uhm, guess what happened?_ ” He laughed bitterly, followed by a sniff. “ _As soon as I arrived home, we had a visitor. It was Beomgyu. Well it turns out he and my brother Taehyun are boyfriends. Just like us!! What a coincidence right? Haha. And for the love of fuckin Pete! They had to tell our parents today, the same day we were gonna run away. All hell broke loose. I had to stop my dad from hitting Taehyun. I’ve never seen him that angry, I thought he was gonna kill him. But after pushing him away, and calming him down a bit, he immediately called your Dad, and now he’s on his way here. Jun, I got scared of my Dad. He spat nonsense from his mouth as if he had forgotten he was talking to his own fucking son! But I remembered you, if my dad reacted this way, I couldn’t imagine how yours would react to this, to us. But it seems like I was wrong. As soon as your parents arrived he talked to my brother and my dad. And you know what my Dad did? He disowned Taehyun but your Dad, our Pastor took him in.”_ Yeonjun had to pause the voice mail. His breathing was off. He could not believe what he had just heard. He tried to calm himself down to which Kai woke up to.

“Hyung are you ok?” Kai asked.

“Is it true? Taehyun and Beomgyu?” He tried to catch his breath, the news hitting him like a truck.

Kai shifted his position to a more comfortable one, and sighed. “Yes, they’re at home right now. Taehyun’s dad can’t see them right now. He prohibited them from going to the morgue.”

There it is, the words that reminded Yeonjun of Soobin’s suicide. He felt his heart being stabbed by a million knives, his tears just won’t give him a break and his mind filled with confusion and questions, so Kai only continued.

“After Mom and Dad left for Taehyun's house, I stumbled upon your letter. I kept it to myself at first because I read how deeply in love you were with the guy you talked about.” Kai was right because Yeonjun never mentioned Soobin in his letter, but he did express how much he loved him. “The way you conveyed what your heart truly felt really hit me, and as your brother, a fact that no one can ever change, I would never want to stop you from being with the person you love. You hear me? I love you hyung!” Kai smiled tearfully.

Yeonjun smiled and sobbed even more. He never expected his brother to accept him for who he was. Kai literally and figuratively opened his arms to him, and that appeased Yeonjun’s pain even just for a bit.

After quite a long hug, Yeonjun pulled away, and held his brother by the shoulder. “Thank you Kai, I know I always say this but I will say it still, I love you.” Yeonjun gave him a thin smile, “but how did you know it was Soobin?”

Kai cleared his throat, “Well, a few hours after Mom and Dad returned home with Taehyun and Beomgyu, we were just getting settled when Soobin hyung’s mom called.” Kai paused and took a deep breath because he was tearing up again — probably from the horror that came from that call. “She was hysterical. Dad asked why but he couldn’t understand her from all the crying, so he decided to rush to their house once again. I went with Dad, because Mom had to be with Taehyun and Beomgyu. Then when we arrived.” He had to stop. It was too painful for Kai to continue, but it was even more painful for Yeonjun. He was hopeless. Soobin left him clueless.

Yeonjun can barely function after everything that’s happened. Who wouldn’t? Your boyfriend suddenly kills himself, and leaves you hanging and wondering what or where you went wrong. He wasn’t blaming Soobin — he didn’t blame anyone really. But everything just didn’t make sense, and it was driving him insane.

Before Yeonjun got swallowed up by everything, Kai managed to continue. “Then they showed us the letter. Soobin hyung’s letter.” Yeonjun looked at his brother, he didn’t really know what he wanted to hear but hearing the “ _letter_ ” gave him some kind of hope. “It reminded me of yours.”

“What?”

“Soobin hyung never mentioned your name, but I felt that every word he wrote was meant for you. He loved you so much Hyung! I’ve never heard of such love, his love to you was so strong and so bold it shook me to my core. It was so powerful that he couldn’t stand not being with you.” Kai wiped his tears. He didn't want to say whatever he was about to say or what he was insinuating, so he took a deep breath and changed his topic. “Dad told me he was gonna stay because he had to be there for them — he had to be their Pastor. So, he made me go home by myself. I took that chance to find you, because I knew, you’d be waiting for him, waiting for nothing.”

The bus ride went on with Yeonjun just sitting there, staring blankly through the window. He may seem alive and breathing, but he felt himself die inside.

The siblings arrived home, with Kai dragging the lifeless shell of his brother. As soon as they opened the door, their mom, who probably stayed up waiting for them, greeted them with a welcoming embrace. It would have been so nice and warm, yet Yeonjun felt nothing. 

They went inside, and his mom kept on pestering Yeonjun of his whereabouts last night, but Kai took the liberty of answering for him. He took their mom to the kitchen, and Yeonjun left them in favor of crashing on his bed. As he was about to go up the stairs, he noticed two figures.

It was Beomgyu and Taehyun, they were sleeping peacefully on the sofa bed in the living room. Yeonjun felt something inside him ablazed, like the very spark that started every wildfires. Soobin’s brother reminded Yeonjun of their supposed fate. He felt angry, envious and it was so unfair. They were the ones who should be sleeping side by side by now, they should be the ones who didn’t give a damn about what the world would give them as long as they had each other but ‘ _He’_ seemed to have something despicable planned for the two of them. Yeonjun wanted to beat the hell out of Taehyun and Beomgyu, but he had no resolve left to do anything. _“Meeting my friend_ my ass” he snickered at Beomgyu’s sleeping and lying face.

Yeonjun rushed to his room, locked the door, crashed on his bed and took his phone out to continue listening to Soobin’s voicemail — possibly to get some answers to his questions, but mostly because he missed him already. He noticed there were still some messages he had just received, and they were from Soobin.

  
  


**From Binnie**

_Hey Jun, my love. Why aren’t you_

_responding to my texts? I just got home_

_and it seems like we have a visitor._

  
  


_Yeojun? Why aren’t you texting me back?_

_You’re not answering my calls as well._

_Yeonjun I need you, I love you and I need_

_you._

  
  


_Yeonjun please, I need you, something_

_happened here at home and I don’t think_

_I can leave just yet. Please contact me_

_I’m going insane. I just need to hear it from_

_you_

  
  


_I love you Yeonjun. I’m sorry._

The last texts only gave Yeonjun more questions but it felt more like he was asking the questions to himself. What if it was HIS fault? Something started to brew at the back of his mind. Was it remorse? He needed to know more first. So he finally went for the voice mail.

  
  


**Voicemail from Binnie:**

_“After your parents left, the whole house felt so strange, Dad had gone mad and Mom was crying in a corner. I knew I couldn’t talk to Dad just yet, to me he was a different person, after what he just did. I could never forgive him. But my mom? I rushed to her side and she clung to me, she hugged me very tight and told me “Soobin my son, promise me one thing. Promise me you won’t leave mommy. I can’t lose another son. That Taehyun is no longer my son. He is an infidel and an immoral person. So promise me dear. Promise me!” those words felt so heavy Jun. I can never stand seeing my mother cry so painfully but I also wanted to be with you so badly.”_ Soobin started sobbing, he cried for a while and all Yeonjun could hear was his painful gasps for air. “ _So I have to choose. Believe me I chose you, but the coward in me couldn’t muster up any courage to do it. I kept telling myself how much I love you, because I do Jun but I felt so unworthy of your love because the more I said it the more I got discouraged and dispirited. And even though I know how much you love me, I still needed to hear you say it_ —for assurance _. Because right now, your love is what’s keeping me from succumbing to fear. That’s why I’ve been calling you ever since. I need you to stop me from digging my own grave. Because maybe if I heard it from you, it’d give me the balls to leave this wretched hell of an excuse for a home. So please Yeonjun. Save me. I love you.”_

Yeonjun’s legs trembled upon hearing the voicemail as he felt the waves of sadness that took Soobin’s life away. He closed his eyes for a brief glance of time, wanting to believe that it was just a nightmare, but the thought of his love’s tragic demise was reaching out to him. Yeonjun perceived a sharp sting in his chest and a single tear shimmered in his eye. The moment it flew back open, his insane cries began to outburst. It is real. HE’S GONE—and there’s nothing he could do to bring him back. He parted his lips, he wanted to cuss but not one swear word was enough to express the hurt, the pain, the anguish he was feeling. It was final. It was over.

Yeonjun punched himself on the head but the pain wasn’t enough. He stood from his bed and bashed his head against the wall. He pounded his head for what seemed like forever till it bled. He could hear Kai and his Mom banging on his door but he ignored it. He could never face them like this — the shame, regret and guilt was eating him alive. In his mind, he killed Soobin.

After a few more minutes, Kai was able to get in by breaking the door. His mom and Kai helped each other to stop Yeonjun from hitting his head on the wall.

“Let me go! I killed him! I killed him! I killed him, you hear me?” Yeonjun struggled to fight his mom and Kai’s hold, but the two were strong and Yeonjun was too exhausted to retaliate.”I killed Soobin Mom! I killed my lover! I killed him!” He finally stopped fighting and hugged his mom and cried oceans on her shoulders.

“What are you talking about Yeonjun? You didn’t kill Soobin honey, you could never kill him. Suicide is like a thief in the night. It comes unexpectedly to people we never thought would even do it.” Yeonjun wanted to agree with his mom but it was too painful to even nod. He cried even more as he tried to remember Soobin — if he ever showed signs. Then and there, Yeonjun finally noticed everything. He recalled those times when Soobin would look worried whenever they went out on dates. How Soobin would suddenly zone out — get lost in his own thoughts. How he finally noticed that Soobin would seem to hesitate whenever he said “I love you” or that there was a “but” after it. Yeonjun knew that Soobin loved him, but he never thought it was with reservations. Could it be true?

Mom cupped Yeonjun’s cheeks and looked him in the eyes. “You know why you didn’t kill him? Because I know you love him. Honey listen to me. Love has no gender. God loved us even though we were sinners. So what made you think that we would never accept and love you for who you really are? All this time, as you grew up, I could feel you gasping for air, something was suffocating you. But after writing that letter. And you telling me how much you love Soobin showed me that you can now finally breathe through your own lungs.” she cried. “I love you Yeonjun, you’re my son. You have my blood. You will always be my baby. I love you so much dear.”

Yeonjun pulled away from his mother, he was angry at what he heard, “You love me? Tell me what that word really means. Does it really mean what it says? Everytime people say it, why does it tend to lose even more of its meaning? We say it on a daily basis that it practically means nothing to me now.” He knew he was spitting nonsense or was it really? Yeonjun needed to let everything out. He needed to vent his frustration of being stood up, the pain of losing a loved one, the regret of not helping his lover, he needed to let out all these negative thoughts because it was just too much. 

“If this is what it means to love someone. Then fuck it. I don’t wanna love anymore. If loving people only made them do stupid things that hurt the ones that they do love. Please just please, spare me. This is just too much.”

Yeonjun dashed outside the house, his eyes were closed as tears and blood dripped from his face. He didn’t even notice that it was still dark but the sky showed a few signs of the incoming morning. He kept on running as fast as he could without a care where his legs took him till he tripped. He rolled around in what felt like beds of grass. He finally opened his eyes and immediately recognized where he was. He was lying in the same park, on the same spot where he and Soobin first declared their feelings to each other. Yeonjun looked up to the sky as he panted. The sun began to rise but Yeonjun’s heart and mind felt like falling — deeper into the depths of this hell of a reality he now called his life. This life without his Soobin. 

“I miss him,” he choked.

And as the first few beams of the morning sun touched Yeonjun’s face, he closed his eyes from it’s warm but blinding light. The moment he opened them, he saw him. He was there lying on the grass with him just like how they did that first time. Their finers were entwined and Yeonjun could feel the warmth from his hands. Yeonjun looked him in the eyes as he smiled tearfully. And right there and then, Yeonjun uttered the words he wished he had told him more that night, the words he knew he could never say again, “I love you Soobin.”


End file.
